On the first weekend of July I will compete in the World Wife Carrying Championships in Finland. It’s like the Grand National. Apart from instead of a jockey you have a wife. And instead of a horse you have an idiot. To win I will have to lug my spouse across a ruinous assault course including water hazards, hurdles and sand pits. The length of the track is around 250 metres. And the world record stands at 45 seconds. Easy peasy.
I’ve got one little problem though: I don’t have a wife.
This seems a pretty devastating blow. But hold your horses. Let’s see what the rules say:
“The wife to be carried may be your own, or the neighbour’s, or you may have found her further afield; she must, however, be over 17 years of age.”
On closer inspection it seems I don’t need a wife at all! I can just borrow one. And after some serious thinking outside of the box, I’ve come up with 9 easier alternatives to finding ‘the one’:
Option 1: use a friend’s wife.
On the surface of it, this seems to be the simplest route. But it is an awkward conversation to have. And not just because of the connotations of infidelity. But also because I will have to be very picky about who I carry. I don’t simply want a wife, I want a light wife. Don’t get me wrong, big is beautiful. But not when you’ve got it strapped to your back.
Option 2: advertise for a wife and hold auditions.
This is what Gumtree was invented for.
Also, I’m planning to take a classified ad out in Readers’ Wives magazine.
Watch this space.
Option 3: hire a local prostitute.
Flights to Sonkarjarvi are about £200 return from the UK. I will also need to fork out for a hotel for a night or two. That’s some serious dosh. So, on reflection, this might be the cheapest option available to me.
I’m not a moron. I’ll obviously insist we use protection. Crash helmet, ankle strapping, nipple tape and so on.
To be clear: I don’t endorse prostitution. And I obviously won’t sleep with the woman. But this seems like a win-win for both of us. I get to save money. And she gets a shot at becoming a world champion.
Option 4: Thai bride.
Small and cheap. Therefore ticking a lot of boxes.
She gets a passport. I get a trophy. You don’t get much more symbiotic than that.
Option 5: target the swingers community.
Again, there is nothing sexual about my ambitions here. I just need to find open minded wives and laid back husbands. And what better place to do this than in the swinging and dogging community, where ‘borrowing’ another man’s wife is actively encouraged.
If you’re the sort of man who leaves messages in service station toilets inviting strangers to have sex with your missus then you are going to be getting some very strange text messages from me over the next 6 weeks.
Option 6: Tinder.
If you build it, they will come:
Option 7: your mum.
Seriously though, can I use your mum?
Option 8: my mum.
Option 9: widows or the terminally ill.
The absolute last resort.
So, a question for you: can you help out?
“Behind every successful man there stands a woman.” So the patronising patriarchal cliché goes. But in this case it is literally true: I cannot win the World Wife Carrying Championships without having a fair maiden clinging like a limpet to my back. If you’ve got any ideas about how I can source a wife I’d love to hear from you.